“There you go again.”
There somebody goes again: Behaving in a way that is unhelpful. That is the last thing you need from them. If that person lives with you, you might be feeling all kinds of emotions. Disappointment. Frustration. Anger.
And then it is off to the races. Again.
Chronic conditions really take a toll on families. What you all need from each other, and from other people in your life, is understanding and support with compassion thrown in for good measure. Is that too much to ask? It would not seem that way.
Then you get one of those offhand comments that are just plain insensitive. Maybe even mean. A look that says it all. Or you are ignored when it should have been more than obvious that you needed a little help.
What is going on here?
Making Assumptions is Human. But is it Helpful?
First, let me make it clear that I am not making excuses for family members who behave in a way that is uncaring, hurtful, or self-centered. No excuses for that kind of behavior.
But let me ask you a question: Are there times when your first reaction to the behavior of your partner or a child does not match up with the actual situation? In other words, is it possible that at times you’ve make an assumption of your family members’ intentions, because you jumped to a conclusion, and then reacted accordingly?
It’s only human to make assumptions about other people’s behavior. If you have had a few not-so-great experiences in the past, it’s not surprising that you might react to the first sign of a return to familiar territory.
But another question: What’s the end result? Hurt or angry feelings can lead to silence or outbursts. If pushed aside, these feelings can build up over time, only to be unleashed full force at a later time, when that “there you go again” button is pushed.
Think about the impact that making these assumptions has on your relationship, as well as on other family members. Not exactly a way to promote harmony at home.
So, what about taking a closer look at those times when you assume a family member is not caring or helpful? And not letting those times take a negative toll on your relationships? Here is how:
Look for patterns. Do certain situations tend to bring up those feelings that your partner or a child is being uncaring or hurtful? Like when someone seems to barely acknowledge that you are in the room or gives you an excuse about why he/she can’t help you when you ask for it, or snaps at you. Most likely, these are situations in which you are most at risk of assuming the worst and reacting accordingly.
Be mindful. When you’re assuming the worst about your family member’s behavior, you feel it in your body the same time your mind comes up with an interpretation. Your heart might race, for example, or you might get that achy feeling in your stomach. Use these body sensations as a signal that it might be time to take a step back and look at what is going on. A time to ask yourself: “What am I assuming here?” And “is it time to look at this another way?”
Consider alternative possibilities. Sure, your mind is going to come up with one interpretation of your family member’s behavior. Examples might include, “he is tired of dealing with me,” “she does not care how I feel,” or “he’s being so mean to me.” What if you considered other interpretations of what they may be intending? The negative interpretation is the one your mind throws at you first. That’s human nature. How about considering a few other possibilities? This is called reframing.
Look for positive interpretations of your family member’s behavior. For example, “maybe he’s tired tonight, and just isn’t paying attention,” “she may not be sure what to say, so she’s staying quiet,” or “he may be saying that to help me, but it just isn’t coming out right.” See what I mean? Once you put your mind to work coming up with alternatives, you may also find that your emotional reaction to their behavior changes.
Be willing to blink first. Power struggles often sneak into relationships. When that happens, the result is feeling like it is up to your family member to be the one to make the first move toward restoring harmony when things get rocky. You may not be wrong. On the other hand, nobody is wrong. Or right. So how about placing your relationship first, and assuming that their intentions are positive? While you are at it, how about giving up the need to always be right? Just a suggestion!
And how about this: If you are not sure, then ask. Let us think about whether making assumptions is helpful at all. Are there times when it might make more sense just to ask outright? How about: “You seem unhappy tonight. What’s going on?” or “you kind of snapped at me when I asked for your help. Do you want to talk?” Sometimes, your partner or child may not be in an emotional place where they can talk things out, or you may not be, but at least opening the door lets them know that you don’t want to wander into negative territory that is all too familiar.
Some helpful words for yourself: “I don’t have to be the center of the universe.” One of the reasons that other people’s behavior leaves us feeling angry or hurt is that we assume it must be about us. Sometimes it is, but often it is not. Your partner or child may be dealing with a lot of stuff that you are not aware of, so while it feels like their behavior is related to you, it may not be. Phew! How is that for a big old relief? Think of all those negative thoughts and feelings you wouldn’t have to be tossing around in your mind.
How about asking: “How can I help?” A family member may need some support. Can you help out? Showing love and concern benefits them, and it benefits your relationship. That is assumption of positive intent into action.
You and your family members should avoid assuming what each other’s intentions are. And if you fall into assumptions, consider alternatives. And maybe, just maybe, assume they are on your side. After all, you are a team.
Dr. Gary McClain, MS, PhD, is a psychotherapist, patient advocate, and author, specializing in helping clients deal with the emotional impact of chronic and life-threatening illnesses, as well as their families and professional caregivers. His website is JustGotDiagnosed.com. His book, “The Power of Closure: Why we need it, how to get it, and when to walk away” was published by TarcherPerigee in 2024. His email is gary@JustGotDiagnosed.com. He welcomes your questions and comments.